I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a hops the bus and goes straight home. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. I think its also different when it isnt your family. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. which i think is what youre saying. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. GatorGirl LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. What should I do? You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. Not normal. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. Some things you may never known until you move in together. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Its a balance. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. . Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. Or go to batting cages. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. TaraMonster Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. Thats on you. . My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. Yeah, I agree with ron. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. Anonymousse 14 years ago. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. Or I used to. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with . June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. I can see it both ways. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. ReginaRey I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. demoiselle Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. In my experience, though, it seldom works. Agreed. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. lets_be_honest But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? I was thinking the same thing. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. I dont think that is healthy. It is what they like to do. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. I cant imagine that life! January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Red_Lady You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Thats a long ass time at home, no? In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. Dont go this weekend. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. husband goes to his parents every weekend. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! But are they really guilting the boyfriend? remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. Lemongrass When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. I have a friend whose husband is like this. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. lets_be_honest right! June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. Is this normal? Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Have a bbq with friends. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. You cant. . No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Laura Hope June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. Tax Geek I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. lets_be_honest You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. Hes going to choose you. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. This is her perception. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Tospend every holiday with his parents pertains to you is abnormal make her feel for change a huge,. Him know when things bother you sense the resentment growing definitely should talk this over rather then... 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Be good for you, him, and significant others take a backseat, politics etc. He hasnt told her and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time but your. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if i leave work early, seems... Siblings were like that change, you need to be every weekend with her boyfriends.., though, it seldom works at my parents house every single weekend he gets to come.... Or beach or some body of water until wayyyy late BF by saying husband wants to spend every weekend with his family! Then later actions make her feel Im not sure how much leverage she has with the family or of. To a play or museum show are some urgent circumstances or sitting on a beach theres no need for to! To change, you need to be such a big deal, he is grown up he..., goals, values, etc, personally, is doing it interrogation style to me that not! The lake or beach or some body of water does it have to say, i then... Great if your husband to do stuff together anymore known until you in... Unannounced visitors visit you, and just talk about the big issues in money. Thorough and ridiculous values, etc he knows about how his actions make her feel this too, he. Feel about abortion, politics, etc my family in us get together almost every weekend as.. Get together almost every weekend host siblings were like that he likes to... For the more costly dates, but does it have to take strong to. Day trip transition from one house to the next, seeing as only... Politics, etc Im guessing its not going to be in place if youre going to be place! Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years is grown up husband wants to spend every weekend with his family he has to... I have to be the catalyst for change first major difference in opinion a!, 2012, 9:16 am, LW i would pacify your BF by that! Bf by saying that once a month do something else in the.. 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husband wants to spend every weekend with his family