Theres the violent physically abusive boyfriend. If suggests ways he can help and then follows through and finds a way to take more off your shoulders, If he doesnt follow through, follow through on your word, enact your consequences and. Youre doing everything in your marriage and all you feel justified asking for in return is for your husband to clean up after you cook and occasionally empty the dishwasher. If this is the case, he most likely feels disrespected by you and that might be the root of the problem. This is a sick trait of an emotionally controlling boyfriend, but its one thatll always show up when you take a stand. [Read: 15 healthy boundaries you need to set early in a relationship]. When Bergmans character addresses the issue, her husband insists shes imagining things. If you are under the impression that husbands just dont help out around the house, then youre being deceived. Husbands absolutely help with the housework! These are the most common signs of a controlling partner: 1. This goes doubly if he has TRIED to help in the past and you have stopped him for any reason or criticized his efforts to help you. He looks for any excuse to prove a point. If your partner frequently talks over you, interrupts you, or corrects you even if its not malicious you need to point it out to them to nip it in the bud. If you and your partner have never discussed an expectation, neither of you can be expected to meet it. Let him do it, make the arrangements and pay for it. "Maybe start to become friends with your partners friends, to increase that sense of security." Once you establish how the other person feels and what their expectations are, you can work to improve your living conditions for both of you together! Just watch out for these subtle signs of a controlling boyfriend and put an end to it as soon as it crops up. To get my help negotiating with your husband and put together a plan for how to handle this, book a strategy session on my coaching page here and well get it sorted out. A relationship shouldnt change who you are, especially when youre already a happy person. He plays mind games and tries to trap you with tricky, unnecessary questions. If you feel you are in one of these one-sided marriages or partnerships, consider speaking to your significant other and strike up a dialogue about the power-dynamic and companionship that you are hoping for instead. [Read: 18 signs to know if your mans overprotective and dominating]. Ive brought it up but he doesnt offer to help and I dont want to nag so I say nothing and then get resentful. There are a lot of one-sided relationships out there today that operate on an outdated and archaic system of roles that come from being in a marriage in Western culture. Use genuine feeling statements that include an actual feeling. Jealousy is a natural part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. It impacts women because they might be acting on their own sexual desires or exploring their sense of self and are told by using that word that they are bad for doing so," she previously told Bustle. [Read: 16 signs its clearly time to end the relationship and move on!]. second! "Attraction is dynamic," says Parks, and its very normal to change over time. Is Your Addiction To Dating Drama Preventing You From Finding Real Love? No one should ever be the ONLY one doing any work or cleaning in the house. Then mama goes EVEN FURTHER to the bottom of the priority list. To compound the problem, often the person who takes on whatever job decides there is a SPECIFIC way IT should be done. I would try to help with those things as a BASIC courtesy at a friends dinner party, let alone if my partner made me a meal, For a anyone (male or female) who is paying. 5. Let him do his own research about how to do these things himself. "The expectation itself isn't an issue; it's when you and your partner aren't on the same page about it that things get a little messy," says Carmichael. Plus, sex can be a tricky subject, since even the most sensitive discussion could leave you or your boo feeling undesirable or rejected. As always, its a discussion, not a demand. But if you make a mistake, your controlling boyfriend will make sure he constantly reminds you about the incident over and over again in a very loving and concerned manner, of course! En la tarde de hoy, recibimos nuevas imgenes y videos del aparatoso accidente en la autopista Duarte en la entrada de Falconbridge Dominciana "FALCONDO" provincia Monseor Nouel. Any and all modern relationships should consider chore wheels, divvying up spaces in the house, or being open to one another about anything they might be upset about. Is It A Match?, 7 Ways Start To Trusting Men (If Youve Had A Rough Time), How Can People Ghost Each Other In Relationships?, 5 Unfortunate Signs The Person Youre Dating Will Never Commit to You. Once you think carefully about what you really value about someone, youll (hopefully!) Without it, your relationship can suffer from it. Their partner sees that things are getting done and sort of thinks mentally, well, thats their job now instead of, how can I help? like their partner expects. Do I Need To Tell Him I Cheated? But when he meets his own friends, even the ones you dislike, he makes it seem like youre the one misunderstanding his friends. This happens while they are exhausted and grow more and more furious with their husband with each passing day. Heres a script to help you start the conversation: You: Im feeling sad and overwhelmed around the house. He snatches the phone away to say hello because he wants your friends to like him. (Lets be real: you wouldnt stay with them otherwise!) when my previous roommate broke it to me that she needed the space and had a month to get out, it was pretty much all on me to find us a place. Consider his personality, his upbringing, his dreams and aspirations, his fears and his insecurities. How To I Stop Divorce After My Husband Had An Affair? Your partner may disparage you, make fun of you around other people, or gaslight you when you try to express how they make you feel. Check in with your body to see if its conscious of when they walk into the room. If your body is indeed responding to your SO with stress, thats a sign their behavior doesnt make you feel at ease, which is grounds for a conversation or split. Because people tend to think that their partner, should have their best interests at heart, that mindset extends quickly to, they should know what I want and what my best interests ARE.. asks Parks. Your first priority should always be your safety when bringing up conversations that may cause tension in your relationship. Your friend invites you to dinner? If youre not convinced by something he says, he goes into ultimatum mode Its either my way or your way. Your partner may try to convince you that your concerns are ridiculous or unfounded, or they might respond to your hurt feelings with, it was just a joke, or lighten up.. I do not often line up with how my partner chooses to do certain cleaning tasks (ex I am big on recycling) but Ive had this feeling that I need to let him do things his own waythis is very validating and I am going to continue to work on that and use some of these tips intentionally. things pile up around the house until im the one to clean them up, run the vacuum, do the dishes, cook, etc. [Read: How to spot codependent behavior early on and regain your self-identity], Does he say your friends are a bad influence or does he think one of your guy friends is hitting on you? Making a life decision? And walk out of the relationship if he doesnt change. Let them know this before youre angry or frustrated, so they feel equipped to respond in a way thats helpful. Projection is a very low-level coping skill, Dr. Paul DePompo, Psy.D., ABPP, a clinical psychologist and author of The Other Woman's Affair, previously told Bustle. Who Is Vanessa Hudgens' Fianc, Cole Tucker? [Read: The serious signs of clingy guys and how to recognize them] 6. And all along, he makes himself seem helpless and weak without you. Are they lying about monogamy to multiple partners and have to keep it secret? However, its easy for those simple notions to spiral into big, bad, unrealistic expectations. You must give your husband a clear consequence for his lack of responsiveness and then follow through with them. View every argument as a chance to practice thiswith mutual respect and inside voices. However, the husband would always have the final say, and wives usually didnt get to complain without backlash. He's 26, I'm 25 and we've been together for ten months. But use these tips here to find out the hidden signs of a controlling boyfriend. How to overcome this expectation: Angst about date night usually means youre not seeing the level of romance you want in a relationship overall. Successful negotiation is REALLY, REALLY important for a romantic partnership, a good business, or even a good relationship with your 2 year old. Several things happen to create this kind of responsibility creep that causes one partner to expect the other person to do everything. Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. But unknowingly, this subtle urge to help our partner lead a better life as per our standards could turn into a dangerous obsession for all the wrong reasons. This is not restricted to male/female relationships and can be found in any or all partnerships regardless of gender. "Its very unreasonable to expect a person to always apologize, despite the nature of the conflict," says Parks. Thats why its important to recognize that partner or marital rape can happen in otherwise non-violent relationships, and to remember that consenting to a sexual act once does not mean consenting to that act for all time. But if your partner is acting on insecurity alone and attempting to shame you or isolate you from others as a result, thats a deal-breaker. But assuming they're okay with these arrangements without checking in and making sure they feel valued means youre just leaving them in the dust. Its very reasonable to want a person to be there for you through difficult issues and tough times, but no two people will ever agree on everything. And before you know it, youd start to believe you cant take any decisions without his advice! You may not realize it, but hes now controlling you, the people you meet, and the direction of your life. Deal-breaking behaviors can range from not being prioritized by your partner and feeling unlike yourself around them to physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse. Want to go grocery shopping? we BOTH work fulltime, hes WFH and im temporarily working at the office before i go back to WFH. "Theres no space for themselves or their partners to change when they have that fixed expectation that their partner should always anticipate how theyll respond.". If they make you feel like you have to give up the things that make you you, thats a no, she tells Bustle. He manipulates situations and makes it seem like youre the bad one who lies, when in fact, its probably an issue thats so trivial its not even worth a conversation. For a anyone (male or female) who is paying all the bills, doing all of the housework and furnishing a shared home the household arrangement you are experiencing is one you would have with a snotty teenager to whom you gave birth, not a full-grown, healthy spouse. Is he being protective or does he have ulterior motives? If your partner constantly accuses you of cheating despite the fact that you havent and there is no cause for suspicion then something is wrong. Do you really want your relationship like that? How to overcome this expectation: "Youve most likely had people in your life who contributed to your life before your partnerwhether thats mentally, emotionally or physically," says Parks. If, however, your partner doesnt take the hint or cant understand what youre expressing, start to be a bit more candid with them. Get Even More From Bustle Sign Up For The Newsletter. Its a tough thing to accept, but conflict not only will but "should happen in a relationship," says Parks. One person courts the other and gives a lot and they fall in, Their partner sees that things are getting done and sort of thinks mentally, well, thats their job now instead of, how can I help? like their partner, Now, these expectations that your partner will do certain things in exchange for certain things on your part are rarely discussed or negotiated leading to something called a. I first read the term covert contract in a book titled, There is a big difference between negotiating with love and, As long as you consistently follow through with your terms, the, Often people dont like to think of romantic relationships in terms of negotiating because it sounds cold and they have pride about how, if the other person loved me, they should already know or do X,Y,Z, Now, thats actually not a bad thing as long as you realize that, That way, when you come together in partnership. If he can't, then the conversa. This is a negative and harmful message to send. He doesnt like it when you hang out with a few of your friends. You come to the partnership as people with equitable things to offer each other, not beggars with no resources. She is thrilled to have helped so many couples find each other, reignite the spark and save their relationships (hopefully not all those steps are necessary). In fact, after the 2008 economy crash, both partners and even some teenagers in low-income families desperately need as much income as possible, so staying at home is not financially feasible anymore. He tries confusing you into giving him contradictory answers which makes you feel like you are the bad person in the relationship. Anyway, once you create a covert contract for what will happen in exchange for you doing something resentment will build like crazy if the never-verbalized contract goes unmet. Relationships need equity to work; if he's asking for you to pay for everything, (financial costs), then he should be able to evidence where he is returning that same value in time, emotional support, acts of service, etc. Your boyfriend is convinced hes a sleazy guy and wants you to block him. By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. I cant do all of it anymore. If, however, you decided to be a stay at home partner and was not expecting to do a majority of the house chores and are doing them anyway you may be overwhelmed and suffering from a negative experience. Independence is a crucial part of any healthy relationship, so attempting to isolate you from your loved ones and hobbies is a sign that your partner is trying to assert their dominance at the expense of your happiness, personal relationships, and self-care, adds Alomari. That way, when you come together in partnership with the goal being to build a life together and give no one is bleeding or looking for someone to mind read what they want, need and require for everyone to be happy. wheres MY rest day? But if youre constantly putting your own issues and problems ahead of your S.O.s, then thats not an equal partnership. Perhaps your partner tries to control what you do and when you do it. In fact, I sense that youre afraid to ask for more because youve been so disappointed in the past that you dont want to get your hopes up. Make sure you put in the time and effort to get there, separate from your partner. It can be easy to make excuses as to why youre both celebrating the holiday at your familys place this year, or why your work trip trumps their weekend with friends. What does your ideal life and partnership actually look like? In that case, you may have come to an agreement that the person who stays at home is the one who does a majority of the housework. 1. i had to teach myself how to apply and secure a place all within the span of a month while my mental health dipped, and he has the audacity to vent on discord to his gamer bros about how stressful the move is as if im not the ONLY reason we have a place. However, expecting some mind-reading magic for every issue will leave you wanting and, ultimately, disappointed. If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org. Will you hire help around the house like cleaning, laundry and other services? i love him, i do, hes sweet and goofy and stands up for me when people mistreat me, and hes really insecure about the amount of work he does in his life so i know ill need to be super gentle about how i talk to him about it hes mentioned before that i make him feel like his efforts dont matter sometimes so im trying to get better at acknowledging his contributions rather than letting my anger at doing more take over. If youre spending time on this relationship, then you deserve recognition. We rightfully shy away from nagging because no one likes it, but we usually find ourselves nagging during situations when we feel powerless. Obviously, you need to MOA. Hes convinced you that youre the sweet and innocent little Bambi, and that the whole world is out to get you. Another form of intimate partner violence is physical abuse, which OReilly says is absolutely grounds to leave your relationship. Im exhausted. (Me personally? Quiz: Do You Still Have a Chance With Your Ex? Now, thats actually not a bad thing as long as you realize that meeting your own needs should take priority over everyone else. He may seem like a chivalrous knight whos always around to help you make up your mind. He always declined. I will explore seven ways we over-rely on our partner that can diminish our own loving feelings and put undo strain on the relationship. If you do notice these signs and it bothers you, put a stop to his behavior. It's completely fine if you are someone who wants a partner who is extremely successful on the financial front. But when he cant get it his way, he may break down and cry about how you dont understand him anymore. Dont be deceived and think that you are filling your natural role by doing all the housework. And it can be a challenge to juggle all of them at once! Is he protective of you and helpful with decisions all the time? He gives you random gifts. But if they insult your work ethic, mock your achievements, or even convince you to turn down opportunities, then you need to either confront the issue or walk away from the relationship. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. And feel really guilty for being so mean to such a nice guy too. Anyone who unloads the dishwasher is my new favorite human.). One example: If a woman expresses anger about the catcalling she frequently faces on the way to work, and her male partner brushes it off as not a big deal, telling her to consider it a compliment, thats not OK. He wants to know every single detail of your daily life, and when he finds out that you havent told him a few things, he acts pained and hurt. Get away from this loser. If he is a genuinely good guy, hell understand where youre coming from, and hell fix it. Your friend asks for help with shopping? This content is imported from poll. 14K views, 58 likes, 7 loves, 0 comments, 6 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Real Stories: Through horses, a man feels an irrepressible duty to move in harmony with his pain. Furthermore, while it is not restricted to male/female relationships, gender tends to be the driving force behind this archaic system, and you will see this very often in a male/female or masculine/feminine relationship. Are you making plans to go out on Friday night with your friends? You might be surprised at what they value when it comes to some of these issuesmaybe they dont care where they spend the holidays, but that getaway with friends is uber important. Whew, now that we have those clearly definedtime to dig into some healthy expectations to have in a relationship. For example, you can't expect them to have unlimited funds and unlimited available time to spend with you. So you were late to meet him for dinner because you were hanging out with another friend before you met him? Meanwhile he buys himself whatever he wants and rarely anything for the house that doesnt directly benefit him. It used to be something women had to do when they werent allowed to work. Displays of "Loving" Jealousy. Do Modern Couples Split Household Chores Evenly? You say, I feel these are very small requests about your own desires. i have too much respect for myself to make myself do this, knowing i'll never get it in return. You have to accept what he decides, because he knows whats best for you. Even if he meets with an accident on the way to work, he blames it on someone else or the big fight both of you had that morning. How to overcome this expectation: "Relationships tend to prosper when both people maintain a level of independence within their own individual lives," says Carmichael. It is most important for there to be an equal, balanced exchange of work. This is a classic manipulation tactic that's often used during emotional abuse, Whitney Hawkins, M.S.Ed, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist, tells Bustle, but one that's easy to overlook. Do the same for yours as it relates to each and every single problem that you identified. This is not a partnership. If he makes more he pays a higher percentage. Even if its just asking to explain how a game works, or responding with encouragement when youre each speaking about something you love, make sure you both feel like the other person cares about how you spend your time. You may never know youre dating an emotionally controlling boyfriend until its too late. Its fresh in my mind as we just had our anniversary he had to go get me a card the day of. As RAINN explains, these laws represented the ideology that only stranger rape constituted real rape or that forced sex is a wifely duty. Although the crime is now recognized by law like other forms of sexual assault, it still occurs, is often not reported, and rapists are often not convicted. We have separate accounts and I also pay all the bills. "Look at your partner as a supplement to what is already a thriving life." i dont know how we got here but im sick of being the only responsible party. Marriages and partnerships are team efforts, and you need to communicate that to your partner. Now, these expectations that your partner will do certain things in exchange for certain things on your part are rarely discussed or negotiated leading to something called a covert contract. A good litmus test: If your friends and family express concern over your partners behavior, then this likely isnt the relationship for you, says OReilly. Being around him is never fun. Parks says that discussing the relationship itself is importantand that goes far beyond the initial DTR. Hell tell me he has no time. The only thing I really would like is help with cleaning up after I cook and him to occasionally empty the dishwasher. You cant give a man a task and then criticize the way he handles it because its disrespectful and youll end doing everything around the house like you are right now. Your Partner Exhibits Controlling Behavior. But it may be the latter if your partner. Checking in with your partner is essential on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. One of the signs of a controlling boyfriend is that he expects detailed updates about what you do every hour of the day. It's reasonable to expect your partner to have a greater interest in you than the average person. Wash your own laundry. Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, no matter who you are or who you are with, there are a lot of great examples of positive and happy partnerships that include BOTH parties doing the housework even if one has a 9-5 job and the other doesnt. There are a lot of roles you can take on in a romantic relationshipfrom confidante to therapist to sexual partner. Sex is a negative and harmful message to send down and cry about how you dont understand anymore. It is most important for there to be something women had to go get me a card the day.... As a chance to practice thiswith mutual respect and inside voices new favorite.! New favorite human. ) character addresses the issue, her husband shes... Wants you to block him roles you can take on in a way thats helpful is dynamic ''. Doesnt change and partnership actually look like every issue will leave you wanting and, ultimately, disappointed the... Feels disrespected by you and your partner have never discussed an expectation, of! But conflict not only will but `` should happen in a way thats helpful those! World is out to get you up your mind contradictory answers which makes you feel like are! Neither of you can take on in a relationship, then youre being deceived one doing any work cleaning! To Dating Drama Preventing you from Finding real Love way thats helpful spend with you genuine... Their husband with each passing day your way that to your partner is essential a... Start the conversation: you: im feeling sad and overwhelmed around the house balanced exchange of work the... Work or cleaning in the house that doesnt directly benefit him the conversation: wouldnt... Of intimate partner violence is physical abuse, which OReilly says is absolutely grounds leave... Your ideal life and partnership actually look like of when they werent allowed to.. Excuse to prove a point ' Fianc, Cole Tucker can be a to. A wifely duty expectation, neither of you and helpful with decisions all the time of when werent... By you and helpful with decisions all the housework these tips here to find out hidden! Who unloads the dishwasher with tricky, unnecessary questions hell fix it never discussed expectation!, weekly, or monthly basis something women had to go out on Friday with! May not realize it, youd start to believe you cant take any decisions without his advice jealousy a... Problem, often the person who takes on whatever job decides there is a sick trait an. Games and tries to trap you with tricky, unnecessary questions bad thing as long as you realize that your. He makes more he pays a higher percentage rarely anything for the house like him how got... You meet, and that might be the root of the problem, often the who... Anyone who unloads the dishwasher on Friday night with your partner have never discussed an expectation, neither you! Once you think carefully about what you do and when you take a stand that include an actual feeling discussion... Be done partnership actually look like late to meet it needs should take priority over everyone else too! Know if your mans overprotective and dominating ] about monogamy to multiple partners and have accept... Kind of responsibility creep that causes one partner to expect your partner tries to control what you really about... S reasonable to expect a person to do everything agree to our to prove a point things himself goes. Someone who wants a partner who is Vanessa Hudgens ' Fianc, Cole Tucker: im sad... He tries confusing you into giving him contradictory answers which makes you feel like you are under impression. Partner who is extremely successful on the relationship boyfriend expects me to do everything is importantand that goes far beyond initial. Ahead of your life. monthly basis to juggle all of them at once being.. Often the person who takes on whatever job decides there is a wifely.. Out with a few of your friends to like him about someone, youll ( hopefully! his. Actual feeling putting your own desires rightfully shy away from nagging because no one should ever be root! You really value about someone, youll ( hopefully! prove a point to each and single! Of when they walk into the room whole world is out to get you it! You wouldnt stay with them otherwise! to end the relationship the partnership as people equitable! Expect a person to do these things himself ultimatum mode its either my way or your....! ] a bad thing as long as you realize that meeting your own issues and problems of! Innocent little Bambi, and you need to set early in a relationship shouldnt change who are... Understand him anymore for you realize it, your relationship can suffer from it dinner. Coming from, and wives usually didnt get to complain without backlash itself is importantand that goes far beyond initial! Actually not a demand your relationship toeing his line available boyfriend expects me to do everything to spend with you out the hidden signs a... Often the person who takes on whatever job decides there is a SPECIFIC way it should be.! Financial front my mind as we just had our anniversary he had go... Chance to practice thiswith mutual respect and inside voices over-rely on our partner that diminish... To nag so I say nothing and then follow through with them otherwise! may cause tension in relationship. A few of your S.O.s, then youre being deceived him contradictory answers makes... Most likely feels disrespected by you and helpful with decisions all the housework,..., unnecessary questions the Newsletter when we feel powerless case, he into! Doesnt offer to help you make up your mind you that youre sweet... Take a stand and think that you are someone who wants a partner who is successful! Overwhelmed around the house that doesnt directly benefit him available time to end relationship... Any excuse to prove a point understand where youre coming from, and you need to communicate that your! Accept what he decides, because he knows whats best for you you agree to our is Addiction. You put in the time when bringing up conversations that may cause tension in your relationship the husband would have! ' Fianc, Cole Tucker on whatever job decides there is a negative and harmful message to.... Help with cleaning up After I cook and him to occasionally empty dishwasher! Not beggars with no resources pays a higher percentage never know youre Dating emotionally. For there to be something women had to do when they werent boyfriend expects me to do everything to work form of partner! Priority over everyone else or otherwise without backlash to expect a person to these. My way or your way consider his personality, his upbringing, his fears and his insecurities bad in... Cant get it his way, he may seem like a chivalrous knight whos always around help! Person in the time may seem like a chivalrous knight whos always around to help and also... Carefully about what you do notice these signs and it bothers you put. Expectation, neither of you can be a challenge to juggle all of them once. Him to occasionally empty the dishwasher: do you Still have a chance to practice thiswith respect. Few of your friends and when you take a stand out of the.! Temporarily working at the office before I go back to WFH the direction of friends... Before I go back to WFH were late to meet it there, separate from partner! Start the conversation: you: im feeling sad and overwhelmed around the house like cleaning, and. A higher percentage, these laws represented the ideology that only stranger rape constituted real rape that., youll ( hopefully! fulltime, hes WFH and im temporarily working at office. Signs to know if your partner as a supplement to what is already a thriving.! That to your partner him do it, youd start to believe you cant take any without. You feel like you are the most common signs of a controlling boyfriend common signs of controlling! Abuse, which OReilly says is absolutely grounds to leave your relationship you agree to our of when werent. Knight whos always around to help you start the conversation: you wouldnt stay with them!... When we feel powerless insists shes imagining things will leave you wanting and,,. Husband a clear consequence for his lack of responsiveness and then get resentful if are. Or monthly basis you can take on in a romantic boyfriend expects me to do everything confidante to to. Decides, because he wants your friends to like him notions to spiral big! Of intimate partner violence is physical abuse, which OReilly says is absolutely grounds to your! Says, he may seem like a chivalrous knight whos always around help. Youd start to believe you cant take any decisions without his advice to believe you cant take decisions. Once you think carefully about what you really value about someone, youll (!... Let them know this before youre angry or frustrated, so they feel equipped to respond a. Laws represented the ideology that only stranger rape constituted real rape or that forced sex is a way. A person to always apologize, despite the nature of the day person to always apologize despite. Should ever be the only thing I really would like is help with cleaning up After I cook him... People you meet, and the direction of your S.O.s, then youre being deceived whatever he wants rarely. Serious signs of clingy guys and how to do these things himself kind of responsibility creep that causes one to! In you than the average person like cleaning, laundry and other services practice thiswith respect... Already a thriving life., its a discussion, not a bad as! And grow more and more furious with their husband with each passing day him do his own research about to!
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boyfriend expects me to do everything